


Green Gardens are Not What's Growing in My Psyche

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Body Modification, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky gets a tumblr, Coming Out, Deaf Clint Barton, Flashbacks, Food Issues, Humor, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kinda?, M/M, Nightmares, Pets, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slice of Life, Tattoos, Therapy Dog, pregnant jane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-24
Updated: 2014-09-26
Packaged: 2018-02-18 14:52:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2352305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is sitting on the countertop again, nose in "The Giver", when his phone buzzes. It's a text from Natasha, a picture someone drew of Steve with a Dorito for a body and Bucky laughs so hard he almost falls off the counter and ends up signing up for a 'Tumblr' because he needs more of this in his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I never meant for this to happen. This was going to me writing out one little headcanon and it soon became a dumping ground for them. I get comma happy at some points and there's italic abuse. There are dreams where its just a lot of violence or sensory over load and things of that nature. Opens with a nightmare.  
> I'm not fixing typos unless it's a major, keep in mind this was written by a tired student via her phone.  
> I'm sorry.
> 
> Working Titles were "The Great Headcanons, Steve Rogers" "So Hear Me Out" "Bucky Learns About Captain Dirito" and "The Gang Plays Superfight"

It's quite. The dead of night when he slips into the home. Light on his feet, the Asset makes his way to the master bedroom. The door is open, those _idiots_ , and he's so silent the dog stays asleep. The assassin moves softly to the side of the bed, grabs the sleeping woman's head, and snaps her neck before she can make a noise but not before she wakes with wide blue eyes.

Blue eyes

Blue eyes

Blue eyes coming from a shorter, much skinner man, with a smile of joy on his face. His body grows, he gains a foot and just about doubles in width, but those blue eyes still smile. His neck is crack, head lulling to a side, but that _damn_ smile is still there and the Asset can hear the strange words that the blue eyed man had told him

"I'm with you, until the end of the line."

•••••••

Bucky flings the blanket off of him, legs feeling like they're going to fall out from under him. He falls to the ground in front of the toilet, lifting the lid just as his stomach rids itself of that night's dinner. Tears are rolling down his face, he can't breath and the vomit just _keeps_ coming. A soft hand touches his back, he leans in instinctively. He doesn't protest when the kind hand takes back his hair with one hand and rubs his back with the other. When he's just down to dry heaving, the comforting hands move away and there's a rustling in the cabinet. Bucky moves to the balls of his feet and takes the mouthwash, swishes and gargles then spits it out. He finally looks at the person with caring hands and blue eyes, only this time these blue eyes aren't smiling and Bucky can't tell if he wants them to be or not.

He doesn't give Steve a moment to speak, to ask if it was a dream that caused his stomach to turn itself inside out or if it was dinner, he just reaches out and pulls him into a hug. It's tight and Steve hugs back without hesitation, Bucky hiding his head in Steve's neck.

They both know he's crying.

They both ignore it.

They don't talk about it in the morning.

Steve lays down Bilbo's bowl like every morning and the fat cat comes running from down the hall, followed by Lucy and Daenerys’s and the two dogs get off their beds. Bucky sits on the counter top with a cup of coffee between his thighs, bowl of banana chips and chocolate milk balancing on his legs. Steve leans against the island, own cup in hand, and cocks an eyebrow, "Perfectly fine table and chair over there," he jerked his head to the left, "You don't have to do this balancing act every morning, you know."

Bucky crunches a mouthful of chips and wipes the milk off his chin, "Nat texted me, said something about a pool party today." Steve shifts his weight and rubs between Lucy's red ears, "No doubt the whole gang will be there, sure you wanna go?" Bucky breaks out into a grin, "You shitting me? I still have a bet with Clint that I need to win, of course we're going!"

The whole gang is in fact there.

Bruce, Tony and Jane, lounging in bathing suit, are playing some sort of game with holograms being projected up from the Starktablets. Natasha sits with Pepper, both in beautiful bikinis and sunglasses with drinks of choice in hand, suntanning. Everyone else (Clint, Darcy, Sam, Thor, Peter, Kate, Bucky and Steve) are acting like fools in the pool. Peter and Kate have taken refuge on the highest diving board where Kate sending down pool toys with skill that _hurts, seriously that was a pool noodle?_ It isn't until a game of chicken that someone (Tony) points out that Steve's the only one wearing a shirt (it's a tank top) and is in the pool.

"You hiding that god body from us, Cap?" Steve quickly shakes his head but Bucky can see the tips of his ears turning red. "Nah, just want my shirt on," he tries to cover.

"It's not doing much help Steve," Kate starts.

"Yeah, water has a habit of clinging when wet," Clint continues.

"Nips Ahoy!" Darcy finishes.

Bucky would stop their teasing, only Steve complains when Bucky sticks up for him and even he wants to know why Steve still has a shirt on. The Great Captain Rogers falls to peer pressure and they all stop, Nat and Pepper even peek out from their glasses. Steve flashes red at the attention. Bucky's mouth goes dry.

•••••••

It's so cold. He's bonded down and head feels light yet filled with lead at the same time. His skin feels tight and and numb and he can't stop moving his lips

_"Sergeant Barnes ....... 32557"_

His veins feel icy and it burns to breath, he's not sure if he's awake or asleep. His mouth keeps moving:

_Sergeant Barnes 32557_

There's a tug at his bonds, someone is saying his name but his mouth can't stop moving

_Sergeant Barnes_

His head is lulling side to side

_32557_

"Steve?"

•••••••

"Steve?" Bucky barely hears it come out over Darcy's loud "Is that a tattoo?!"

Sure enough, there it is, a tattoo.

It's on his left ribs clear as day: 32557. Nothing more, just black numbers on the skin.

Steve seems to shrink into himself, "Yeah, it's a tattoo, Darcy. Don't understand why it's a big deal, you've got some. So does Sam, Parker and Pepper." He's back to red ears and trying so hard to get back into the pool to finish game.

"Jane has one of those as well, her swimming attire hides it though!" Thor pipes up and never in his life has Steve looked so glad to hear him speak because now everyone is looking at Jane, who's furiously blushing. Darcy is yelling at Jane now, "You never told me you had a tattoo!" And Tony's mumbling, "So _that's_ why she's in a one piece"

They had come back from the pool, showered and put on fresh clothes. Steve struggled with Daenerys, as tiny as she was, while Bucky and Lucy smirked by the door.

"I don't understand why the Chihuahua gives more of a fight when I put her harness on than the Pit Bull!" Steve says, arm fully extended as the little white dog barrels down the hallway to the elevator. Bucky's still laughing, Lucy walking right by his side and not pulling the slightest.

In the elevator they're greeted by Clint and his small pack of dogs, 5 of them all clipped on to a belt and 1 cat joining the bunch. Bucky thinks about going back and grabbing Bilbo, deciding against it because they've tried that once and neither he nor the cat were quite the same after that adventure.

The dog park is only a block away and the ink on Steves' skin is not what is brought up on the walk there. "You guys left before you got to see Jane's tattoo! It's pretty cool, makes me want to get another tattoo, though Natasha already said if I get another pizza themed one she's going." It turns out that Jane's tattoo was a of the molecules that make up the bridge between Earth and Asgard, which, yeah, is pretty damn cool Bucky thinks.

Clint takes off with dogs and the cat once they get to the dog park. Bucky has to tell Lucy to go play or else the big lug just sits by his feet. "That number," he can see Steve stiffen as the words come out, "I remember the number. It was important, right?" Steve nods but doesn't say anything, "What was the number?" With a sigh Steve speaks, "It was your solider number, 32557. When I came off ice I needed something to make me feel like you weren't forgotten. I figured having a big thing wouldn't be the right way to remember you, so your number went instead." Steve's smiling that smile he does when hurt and Bucky hates himself for asking.

* * *

 

Steve leaves for four days.

Bucky spends those four days on the couch binge watching the food channel and eating order in food and _"really guys I'm fine"._

Which really, he is. He gets up at 9 to feed the animals, puts on normal clothes and takes the dogs for a walk, showers, walks them a couple hours later, feed them at 5 and walks them again and feeds himself when he's hungry.

_"I'm fine guys.”_

He's seen this episode of Diners, Drive ins and Dives three times now when Steve comes home. Bucky's laying on the couch with Daenerys pressed to his side and feet on top of a snoring Lucy, Bilbo even joining the party and sleeping on the back of the couch. Steve laughs at the sight and Bucky stops breathing.

Steve's smile normally just caused himself to smile and stomach to flop but now Steve had a beard and all he could think was how that would _feel on his inner thigh_. He shakes the idea off waves hello with a foot, "We've been waiting for you to grow facial hair, you finally hit the 9th grade while you were on your mission?" Steve makes a noise at him and disappears to his room. He comes back minutes later ordering Chinese.

••••••

His hand are holding a tear stained paper, two small flesh hands causing it to crinkle.

There's two voices, a man and woman, talking to his left. The man's voice is tense and getting louder, woman's trying to stay steady. His butt hurts as he can see a bruise forming on his wrist.

The man is yelling, there's a crash and the woman screams.

He drops the paper and runs left, towards the noises. He grows in size, taller much taller, and grabs the man's head. He pulls a knife off of his thigh and blood is sent gurgling down the man's throat. The woman is screaming his name, the one Natasha calls him 'James',  and he says in a voice that is his but isn't, it's southern and childlike, "I 'ad to stop 'im Mama, he was gonna hurt you, he was." The woman, Mama, drops to her knees and he let's go of the man and the face is so familiar but not at the same time.

•••••••

He doesn't wake up crying, screaming, or throwing up so he already counts it has the best morning of the week. Bucky's half way down the hall and about to round the corner when he hears another man's voice, one that isn't Steve's. He waits just around the corner and listens to the two voices mix.

"Lucy doing you two good?" It takes him a moment to release it's just Sam, he's just about to make the corner when Steve goes, "Getting a service dog was the best thing for Buck, I think," and his feet freeze. He knew that Sam had got them Lucy but he said he found her on the street and his landlord doesn't allow pets. Though her being a service dog explains a lot about her.

"He doing any better?" Sam sounds concerned, Bucky can't be mad for the lie, "He doesn't remember everything, still asks a lot of questions about the past but yeah, he's doing better. How's you and Judie doing?" Steve asks, never liking to talk about Bucky for too long without him there. "She moved out two days ago. She was cool with the who panromantic thing but not the ace," Steve adds 'that's a damn shame' before Lucy is running out of Bucky's room and now he has to come out from behind the wall because she only leaves the room once Bucky is up. Putting on a sleepy face he rounds the corner and pretends he only caught the tail end of that, "You two playing poker in here? What about aces?"

Bucky learned that there was more than just two sexualities that morning.

This knowledge helps and hurts in equal ways.

* * *

 

 

Bucky is sitting on the counter top again, nose in "The Giver", when his phone buzzes. It's a text from Natasha, a picture someone drew of Steve with a Dorito for a body and Bucky laughs so hard he almost falls off the counter and ends up signing up for a 'Tumblr' because he _needs_ more of this in his life.

Since the name "Bucky Barnes" is already taken it takes about ten tries until he can finally get "literallybbbucky-barnes" and by the end of the night he has 50 'followers' and 'follows' about 100, including Natasha's "thighcrusher5000". She says she'll 'promo' him to her 3k 'followers' in the morning and he has no clue what that means. The next morning he has about 2050 'followers' and 'follows' them all. Later that day Steve's hunched over a sketch pad. He looks back at his phone to look at the picture he had taken every now and then, while Bucky watches a movie with a man in it that looks just like Tony. He takes a picture of Steve and posts it on Instagram, getting 30 likes in 5 minutes.

* * *

 

 

Jane finds out she's pregnant. Tony demands she moves into the tower and with Darcy in tow she agrees. Tony cracks the joke of 'Now we have all the girlfriends under one roof!' And Steve's confused by it and it's like a stab to the stomach for Bucky because he _knows_ what Tony is implying. He cracks a 'Whatever you say, Downey,' but it doesn't help the feeling go away.

When Sam explained the more than two sexualities it let Bucky realise that it is okay and normal to like both guys and girls.

It also put that feeling in his stomach Into a new light.

The way it twists when Steve smiles, how his breath catches when Steve looks absolutely beautiful, why he feels oddly content with feet under Steve's thigh while watching Harry Potter, how come his thoughts will drift and suddenly he's thinking of Steve's hand on his dick instead of his own. But even though it's okay to like both it's not okay to like Steve. Steve's off limits. Steve, even when smaller, wasn't the one Bucky was meant to be with and he knew that even back then. If he has memories of kissing Steve's forehead when illnesses almost took him away he doesn't bring them up to Steve.

He posts a picture to Tumblr of Steve sitting at the kitchen island with headphones in, drawing on a tablet with a weird pen. Bucky is, of course, on the counter reading 'The Hobbit' for the millionth time with Bilbo peaking at the book like he's trying to see his namesake.

He's not sure why he does it, but he does post it with the caption "little known fact: Steve Rogers has the song 'Turn Down For What' on his iPod" because it's not a lie and he can hear it playing. 10 people ask him how he gets the picture, Natasha tells him not to tell them, and the internet has a field day with this newly found information. He takes another picture, this one of Bilbo laying on the book and posts it to Instagram. Nobody realises the counters looks the same in the picture on Tumblr and Instagram.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm Omnisexual," Darcey says with a big grin on her face, "and I lost it at 17 to my at the time Smoop, as they liked being called, Ori. Natasha, your go."  
> Without a glance up from her phone, which is turned in selfie taking position, Natasha speaks with a lace of a grin, "Pansexual," pause, picture taken, "lost it at 15 to some guy whose name I can't remember. Steve," Steve takes a breath, Natasha's phone turned to him,"I'm bisexual, lost it at 19 to Lillian Jones."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miscarriages are brought up for about two sentences. There's a sensory overload nightmare with ties to child abuse and torture. Just throwing it out for those who it is important to.

Darcy comes up one night while Steve and the others are on a mission. Jane joins them but she's content on the couch, where Lucy has claimed her and her little belly has the dogs new favourite humans.

"Due in May if my math is correct, right Jane?" Bucky calls from the kitchen, where Darcy is setting up his phone to the dock. "I think so, I'm going to the doctors tomorrow though. I looked online and I'm bigger than I should be at 6 weeks." Before he can answer he back Darcy has turned on the phone and started playing "Turn Down For What", grabbing his hand and demanding he dance with her. "Come on, Grandpa, let me show you how to dance in the 21 century!" 

Jane calls it a night at 11 and heads to her and Thor's room, leaving Darcy and Bucky.

They end up watching Adult Swim and Bucky is fucking _dying_ over a show called 'Robot Chicken' and another called 'SuperJail'.

Darcy convinces him to let her braid his hair and he forgets to take it out before falling asleep with his head on the arm of the couch and feet on the back of it. Bucky regrets his hair in the morning.

* * *

 

 

Steve gets Bucky to spar with him.

They both know Bucky's still holding back but both the floor padding and Steve groans when his body hits it so Steve doesn't bring it up.

They end up panting and laughing, Bucky sitting on Steve's stomach ignoring how Steve's pupils blow wide when he pins his wrist down. They've only been back from mission one day, Jane going to the doctor today, and Bucky can't stop laughing at bruise on Steve's right arm. It looks kinda like America and Bucky takes a picture of it and puts it on Instagram with some joke about America patriotism.

He thought the suit had better padding but it doesn't, Steve wandering around without a shirt after his shower shows that. Steve laughs when Bucky brings it up, like the bruise blooming across his ribs that's a sickly yellow is okay, "The first suit they gave me back in the 40's gave me a bad heat rash, I can deal with a few bruises," but really all Bucky wants to do is adds few of his own on Steve's collect of them.

Jarvis's voice comes out, tell them they are needed in the rec room. Steve puts on a shirt but it doesn't stop Bucky wanting to make more bruises to happen. 

Jane is shaking, eyes are rimmed and Thor is trying so hard to get her to stop crying. Bucky's expecting her to say she's had a miscarriage. He's sure he's not alone in this thought, why else would they have gathered everyone in this one room. Even Darcy looks confused and concerned as to what's happening. While Thor calms her down, Kate tells stories of LA.

"So I'm in LA and me and Lucky realize I need a job ASAP because I'm super-broke. So I go to my neighbors, Marcus and Finch. Sweetest men ever, though Marcus is snarky as hell " Bucky elbows Steve, "Just like us, huh?" And this earns a laugh from Kate but before she can explain Jane blurs out "I'm having three tiny demi gods," which would explain the big bump. Clint's looking around confused still, Natasha takes one look at him and sighs before curling a finger around the outer edge of her ear lobe. "I forgot to charge them last night," he says too loudly making Bucky jump but he taps on Clint's shoulder and starts signing:

Middle and pointer fingers out, thumb as well. _3._

Left forearm under right forearm, close to chest, rock slightly. _Baby._

Clint let's out a loud 'shit' and under Natasha's look Bucky gets uncomfortable, "Since when have you known Sign Language?" He shrugs, honestly it doesn't surprise him anymore what he knows.

"Kate, why'd you start laughing when Buck said that?" Steve asks in elevator up, "Oh," she says, "They're married, kinda saved their wedding when the Weedlord burn their florist down."

" _oh_ " Bucky thinks, " _shit_."

•••••••

His cheek is stinging. His eyes are pricking with tears that brim over and run down his cheeks. His throat is closing up, head pounding, and there's the sound of skin hitting skin again and his head sharply turns right. The tears dry instantly, like it's been years since they've been there, but eyes burn with tears but they don't even get to brim.

There's a clacking of a belt, the snapping of leather, he feels a snap pain on his lower back and tears and streaming down his face again. There's a baby crying and a woman yelling, "James, quit your bitchin' you're gonna wake up Margie!" And before he can question the logic behind that southern draw there's another smack from the belt on his lower back and he's crying so hard his head is spinning.

The pain of the belt no longer comes down, barely above his butt, but inside his head ten fold.

There's rubber in his mouth and he can't stop screaming and there's no tears going down his face this time. His hands, one flesh and one metal, grip the the seat. He's tearing at the fabric, hands, now both flesh, gripping tight at the flowered blanket as another sound of leather cutting through air comes down and there's a sharp pain in his head.

He's going to throw up.

There's someone screaming his name, all of them.

"Asset!"

"Solider!"

"James!"

"Bucky!"

" _Bucky_ "

•••••••

Steve's gripping shoulders tight, yelling his name and Bucky comes to gasping for air like he was under water. It feels like his brain is being squeezed out of his skull, he shuts his eyes out of fear they'll pop out. Steve's holding him tight and repeating the mantra 'it's okay' over and over. They sit like that, Steve with the balls of his feet, along with his knees, pressed into the bed holding Bucky close to his chest and Bucky testing the pressure behind his eyes. At long last he can open his eyes and not feel like they're going to escape but he keeps them closed anyways. Bucky breaths deeply and listens to Steve's heart beat, left ear fully pressed to the cloth over Steve's  chest. His own heart is still in his throat but breathing becomes easier to do.

"Who's the woman with the southern accent?" His voice is quite but fills the silence in the room. Steve's finger loops around the few strands that escaped Bucky's bun, "Your mom, you and your sisters all had one too for a while." Bucky hums and tries not to lean into Steve musing his hair. "I thought I was from Brooklyn?" Steve shifts his legs out from under himself but never let's go of Bucky. "You guys moved to Brooklyn to live with your Aunt Bernice after your dad died when you were ten. Six months later, the boys at school teased it out of you and you got a Brooklyn accent in place of it." The vibration of Steve's voice through his chest make Bucky's nerves smooth but his mind over work. Everything was a big rush in his head between the new information and the feeling of Steve's arms still holding him tightly.

His breath caught as he remembered, "Dad. How did he die?" Because now he's panicking.

Did he kill his dad like he killed so many others?

Did he have another name to add to The Winter Soldier's track sheet?

Was that dream really a dream or was it his memory if murdering his own father?

"Your mom said it was a heart attack and one night you were drunk and started crying that _you_ killed him. That you caused that heart attack because you were such a fuck up," Steve says slowly, "But it's not true, Buck. Yes, your dad had a heart attack but it wasn't your fault. The man drank like a fish and ate nothing but fried foods, it was going to happen sooner or later." Bucky wants to crawl into Steve's chest and live there forever, to burrow so deep into Steve he becomes one with him. So he doesn't have to cry, there's tears aren't going to be stopped.

He has his head in Steve's chest sobbing, can feel where his tears are leaving stains on the shirt but can't bring himself to stop crying and he's so glad Steve doesn't ask why because he honestly doesn't know. Steve places his hands on Bucky's back and seems to get his thoughts about morphing into one being by how tightly he's holding Bucky to his chest. Bucky can feel Steve's nose on the crown of his head, can hear the soft sounds of "shh, it's alright let it out," being repeated over and over and overandoverandover. His chest feels like it's been ripped out, all the blood drained of his body. He's going to throw up but all he can do is sit there with his forehead in his best friends collarbone and cry.

He knows he's not crying over his father, if his dreams are any indication then his dad was an abusive jacknut. No, he's shaking, every new wave of tears racking through his body and leaving him winded, because of every life he _did_  take. Ever man he put a bullet through, ever woman whose neck was cut, every child who was in the wrong place at the wrong time needed to be taken out _what the hell is wrong with him?_ Wave after wave smash into him. His bones feel crushed. His skin tight. His eyes hurt and his chest burns. He wants to go back to sleep but he's too scared he'll have another nightmare. Every time he closes his eyes there's _another brain being splattered._

Steve stays, one hand on Bucky's head the other on his back, rocking them a little when Buck's sobs turn to little mews right before a new wave smacks him in the face. His eyes are red, face drained and pale and all he can think is how is Steven Grant Rogers even touching this horrible monster that is James Buchanan Barnes?

How is America's Sweetheart coddling America's Worst Enemy?

Why is Steve still here?

* * *

 

There's very few things Bucky really doesn't like about the future.

Jarvis's voice coming over while he's trying to poop is one of those things. "So sorry Sergeant Barnes but Mr. Stark needs both you and Captain Rogers down in the rec room right away!" Why the damn robot (is that what is he? Bucky has no clue) couldn't tell him after he was done in the bathroom he doesn't know. What he does know is that now that he feels watched he can't finish what he started.

What did Stark need him for?

Apparently, game night.

No, seriously.

Bucky is on the sofa next to Jane, a bowl of "Weird Ass Food" as Clint called it between them. Her stomach is out now, looking more like she's 6 months pregnant than barely 3, and now that's she's on the couch she's not moving anytime soon, so they moved the games around her. They're in the middle of Superfight when Sam comes from the elevator. "You guy suck, how could you start without me? I mean, I even bought drinks for us and you all show me how it is."

"I am Bill Clinton armed with a sadness ray and a tween army! How do I not win?!"

"Clint, I'm a Boy Band who's three stories tall and I can make clones of myself, I'm the winner here!"

"Sorry Nat, but Clint wins this one."

Bucky tunes the argument out and is fully focused on how Steve's hair feels in his hand. He had sat down in front of the couch and Bucky found himself planting a hand in the short blond hairs before he could stop himself. Maybe it's because he's a little buzzed, the serum may have stopped Steve from getting drunk but his makeshift one did not. He's memorized by Steve's words, actually the vibrations his words are making. He's completely zoned when Steve shoves at Bucky's hand with his head, "Your turn to be ref, Buck."

"Yeah but I'm Abe Lincoln!"

"But you are holding an infant, I am invisible!"

"He does have a Point, Darc," Peter's trying hard to defend Thor, Robert Downey Jr who's invisible but can't stop crying. "Shut up, you're blind meatloaf that has to pee," Darcy's getting defensive about her card, Abe Lincoln who can breath underwater but is holding a baby. Steve's nestled between Bucky's legs, laughing at the fighting with Jane (who claims to not be choosing sides) when Clint pipes up, "So, sliced bread was a thing in like 1928 and our two grandpas over there were born around 1917, 1918."

The room silences instantly.

"Holy shit," comes from Kate.

"Oh my god," say Natasha.

"Why didn't I look it up before?" Questions Tony.

Bruce is the one who finally says the unspoken words, through a stream of tears and hunched over, "Oh my god you two are older than sliced bread!" The room breaks into laughs, Sam tumbles off the arm of the couch and still wheezes out laughter. Even Steve is laughing hard, head tipped back into Bucky's lap shaking with the laughter and hand on his left pec. Even tears are rolling down Bucky's cheeks, though he can't figure out why this is so funny. He's blaming it on the liquor and not the glimpses of Steve tiny, laughing wholeheartedly on an old beat up couch that's making his chest lighter.

"Fuck, marry, kill. Go." Tony states as he pours himself and Kate more Screwdrivers, "Um, well fuck Darcy," Bucky says while a hand is still in Steve's hair, "I'm down," is all that answers him, and that's from Darcy with a wink, "Marry Steve and uhhh.... Kill Coulson, the way that guy looks at Steve makes me uncomfortable," Tony makes an agreeing face and hands Kate her drink, "Alright, Cap what about you?" Steve's quite and has on that thinking face, like he's weighing the pros and cons of all the options.

"Kill Clint,"

"Hey! Why me, is it cause I'm deaf? That's a low blow Steve,"

"No it's because you ate all the peanut butter again. Marry Bucky and fuck the same." There's a round of cheers, a shout of wedding bells, and Thor's head turning slightly, "Steven, I thought you preferred the company of women?" And now the only one laughing is Sam. "Are you kidding!" He gets out, "We were looking for Mr. Tall Dark and Deadly I walked in on him getting fucked by a guy who looked just like Bucky," the room dissolves into laughter again, Bucky forcing up a laugh while Steve turns 50 shades of red and looks horrified.

"So Captain America is a bottom!" Tony finally works out and on seeing Steve's face is joined by, "Steve, my friend, all that means is that we could never date. Two bottoms don't go well together," and

Wait what.

Bucky's face must be pretty good, Tony is losing his shit at the sight of it. "Barnes, I'm Bi," and Clint does the letter Y between him and Tony as he laughs so hard it's silent. _Me too._  Peter raises his hand, "I'm also on the semi Gay Train," and Bucky's really concerned now, "Wait, so who all's straight?" And only two hands go up, Kate's and Jane's.

That's how sharing time went around.

"I'm Omnisexual," Darcy says with a big grin on her face, "and I lost it at 17 to my at the time Smoop, as they liked being called, Ori. Natasha, your go."

Without a glance up from her phone, which is turned in selfie taking position, Natasha speaks with a lace of a grin, "Pansexual," pause, picture taken, "lost it at 15 to some guy whose name I can't remember. Steve," Steve takes a breath, Natasha's phone turned to him, "I'm bisexual, lost it at 19 to Lillian Jones." Bucky's eyebrows pull together, "I don't remember you telling me that." There's a little nervous laugh from Steve, "I uh.... I never told you," Clint and Darcey let's out an "ohhhhh" and there's tension in the room instantly, "Why didn't you tell me?" Steve's not looking up at Bucky, instead he's fixated on his hands in his lap.

"I'm calling it a night, have fun guys," Bucky pulls the other leg away from Steve as he leaves the room, a chorus of Goodbyes go across as he goes in the elevator and goes up.

Steve doesn't follow him up.

Bucky honestly doesn't know why he's so mad about it. His chest feels like it's come patched in, throat closing and his eyes string. He's over reacting, he knows it, but he still goes to his room and lay in bed for a while before he falls asleep.

 


	3. Chaper Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?"
> 
> “Are we going to Gringotts? Because I am going to be goblin you all up.”
> 
> "Hey are you sitting on a pile of sugar cause that ass is sweet."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for dealing with my addiction of commas and italics and using the word "and" in places it really shouldn't go. The dumping of my headcanons is done, I only ever meant for the Steve having Bucky's ID number tattooed to be written and I wrote this instead.  
> Again, it opens with a nightmare that's kinda really messed up.  
> Also Tayte Hanson is a real guy who looks a lot like Sebastian Stan. If you look him up be aware that he is a gay porn star. So do what you will with that information!

Wet blood on both the real and metal hands.

The firmness of a neck under his palm. And the Asset can't be starved off this time. It's all blackblackblack and hot air.

The pressure in his head makes it feel like it's going to crack like a melon. There's a hand on his shoulder. Memories, distant but there, are telling him to run, to shove that hand, the arm it's connected to, and the person that's connected to, out of a fucking window. The Asset elbows the person behind him with his left arm, grabs their neck with his right and twist. The body hits the floor with a _thump!_ the Asset turns to see the victim.

The Captain.

The Blond Man.

The Mission.

Steve.

Steve.

_Stevie!_

The body is limp, lifeless and the Asset is screaming.

Bucky's screaming.

Someone is screaming.

Stevie, so little and fragile that a simple cold would have almost killed him, lays on the floor face down. If Bucky, if the Asset, were to touch him the weak body would still be warm. The Asset wants. Bucky wants to pick him up and put him back in bed. The Asset moves the body, Steve's, head to the left so the face is showing. The  Asset stands in front of the dead mans face. The Asset swings his foot back and connects with the body's face.

**  
**

•••••••

**  
**

Bucky doesn't even make it to the toilet, he wakes up and starts vomiting on himself and the bed. Steve comes running in and stops long enough not to slide into the throw up. Other than Bucky's sounds there's nothing but Steve's soft "oh Buck" when he realised what is happening.

He can feel the acid seeping into his sheets and touching his thighs. Steve goes into the bathroom and comes back with mouth wash once Bucky's done. He demands Bucky go take a shower.

The water won't get hot enough. He feels like he needs to be burning off his skin. Bucky doesn't even move to clean the vomit off his thighs and out of the hair on his legs. He's just standing under the shower head, letting the hot water try to melt him. His mind is blank, all he can see is Steve's face crushed in, the crunch of bones breaking. He's going to throw up again.

Steve knocks, the coolness from the hallway rushes into the bathroom and "You alright Buck?" He wants to answer but he _can't get his jaw to move_. It's crippling. He feels like he's barely standing up. Steve pulls back the curtain wide enough to see Bucky is alive. "Aw Bucky, you didn't get the barf off your legs," Steve shoves his hands under the shower head and pops the soap. The soothing smell of lavender wraps around him, breathes become easier to take. Bucky gets too wrapped in the smell, his legs buckle under him and he's down. Steve's there.

Steve catches him.

Steve always does.

"You never told me you lost it at 19."

Bucky's throat hurts, he's not sure why he's talking when all he wants is to sleep but he's too scared to do that. "Lillian had a boyfriend who was stationed in Honolulu, navy guy you know. Anyways, I thought you would be upset that I fooled around with a navy guys girl." Bucky 'ah'd and put his head on Steve's stomach, "others. Was there others?" And really he doesn't want to know but something is chewing at him. "Lillian, Barbara, Patty, Jack, and some guy named Tayte. That's it, everyone I've had sex with." Bucky hums back and Steve starts making small braids in his hair. It's warm and safe and _real_ and Bucky never wants this to end. His eyes slide close and the image of Steve's head cracking around his boot isn't there anymore. He drifts to sleep again.

Bucky gets woken up by the ringing of his phone and Lucy crying at the door.

It's Darcy on the other end, "Hey can you send Lucy over to my room? Janes crying and you know how that goes." He does know. Jane looked about 9 months and was only 5 . She cried about everything and Thor wasn't always there, "And it's not like I can go to Asgard," she sobs out into Lucy's coat, "I don't know what the effects would be to the babies, there's little to no effect on adults but you know there's also no effect on adults with coffee and sushi and I still can't have those!" Bucky sits next to her and rubs her back while Darcy makes caffeine free tea.

After two hours of comforting Jane finally lets Bucky take a picture of her belly for Instagram. It's gets 200 likes in 15 minutes.

**  
**

* * *

 

**  
**

He'll blame Natasha for it later, not that he regrets it but she'll still be the one taking the fall. His ears and nose all ache and strung. His right arm had a dull ache to it. A tattoo, a nose piercing and multiple ear piercings as well but it's the tattoo that makes Steve stop.

"Are those flowers?"

There is flowers on Bucky's arm now, from his elbow to the line of his wrist. He nods and rubs behind Daenerys ears. The plastic crinkles as Steve straightens out Bucky's arm and starts poking every flower lightly.

"Baby's breath... Rosemary.... Lily.... Lavender.... And.... And,"

"They're carnations, Steve," he says, eyes still on the TV. Steve makes a 'not bad' face and walks towards the kitchen. There's a click and water moving, the coffee maker. Bucky is off the couch and on his spot on the counter top in seconds, confused chihuahua on his ankles. He scoops her up and puts her on the counter next to him. "Why flowers?" Steve asks, opening a cupboard and getting two cups. Bucky just shrugs and says 'Why not?' as he flips the little dog on to her back, puts his palm on her chest carefully, and playfully shakes, Daenerys play biting at his fingers.

Steve puts down the bowls for the animals, Daenerys nearly jumps off the counter to get to it. Fat Bilbo takes out the little dog in his path to get to his bowl. Steve hands Bucky a cup, hot and warming both his metal and flesh hands. He's oddly content, until Jarvis comes over the loudspeaker.

"Captain Rogers you are needed in meeting room 3."

 

"Poland?"

"Poland, apparently."

"Why Poland?"

"Why'd you get flowers tattooed?"

Bucky sits on the back of the couch watching Steve go back and forth from his bedroom to the washer and dryer and back, trying to find clean clothes for the mission.

"I'm pretty sure there's not a terrorist group in Poland who's there because they're feel the need to have something to remember the people they've killed," Steve stops moving, a fist full of white shirts and underwear, and just looks at Bucky, "What? Is that why you got it?" Bucky shrugs and rolls over the couch, "You got my solider number tattooed," and Steve opens his mouth like he has a come back for that but quickly shuts it and continues the great hunt for clothes.

**  
**

* * *

 

**  
**

Steve's been gone for three days.

While Bucky has enjoyed the ability to do things like smoke on the balcony or do science with the microwave without Captain Tights scolding him, he does miss Steve.

He hasn't even texted Bucky, something he normally does every mission to let Bucky know he's okay. If there's a lump in Bucky's stomach he blames it on the old Thai food.

**  
**

* * *

 

 

Day five he gets a text.

It's from Natasha, who's on the mission with Steve. It's simply a link to a vine of Steve throwing his shield and knocking himself in the head with it. Bucky laughs so hard there's tears rolling down his cheeks.

He buys another pack of smokes.

 

* * *

**  
**

Seven days.

He's bored out of his mind.

Bucky doesn't want to leave the apartment because what if Steve comes home while he's out? He goes down to Jane's floor, 6 months pregnant and looking like she's going to pop, and hangs out for a while but soon retreats to his own floor. Him and Kate take out the pack of dogs and two cats ("Her name is Remy, I saw her on a mission and I had to bring her home with me!") and he baths both the dogs and Bilbo.

He has nightmares too.

It's hard for him to move off the bathroom floor some nights, even harder to get out of the shower.

He misses Steve.

Misses the warmth, the barking laughter at three am at 'Adventure Time' that's playing from Netflix. Waking up and knowing that there's a cup of hot coffee made for him already. He misses the domestic life they've built around each other. Bucky should have known that it would have to end one day, he was just hoping it was that Steve found someone and settled down the best he could and not whatever thoughts are going through Bucky's head.

**  
**

* * *

 

 

It is two weeks before Steve came home.

Bucky is greeted at four am by Steve coming into his room, leaving a trail of his uniform from the front door to his bedroom, and shoving him a little to wake him up enough to move his arm. "You're back," Bucky murmurs, wrapping his arm around Steve without question, he still smells like jet fluid and sweat. Bucky's too tired to tell of it's gross or endearing that he didn't shower and came straight to him. "Yeah I'm back, Buck," is all Steve says before putting his head on Bucky's chest and crashing almost immediately.

Bucky follows soon after.

**  
**

Lucy whining at the door wakes him up.

His arm is still trapped under Steve, who's basically on top of him, is full force drooling on Bucky's shirt and snoring in his ear. He wants to be annoyed but his chest is blooming with some sort of warmth and he wants to go back to sleep. Lucy whines louder and scratches at the door, Daenerys is yipping on the other side. He looks over to his phone. It's 8:49, they're both normally up by now and animals fed breakfast. Bucky pulls his phone over and takes a picture of him sleeping because just can't help himself _okay?_ He shakes Steve a little in hopes to move him off. "Stevie you have to move real quick," Steve nods and rolls off of him, "Don't be long," and the urge to lean down and kiss the back of Steve's head is almost too strong.

Bucky scuttles out the room as quick as he can.

"What took you guys so long coming back?" Bucky asks, sliding back into his bed. Steve rolls back over and puts his head back on Bucky's chest, "There was an injury that took most of our time there to deal with." Bucky hums and slips his hand into Steve's hair, "Who got hurt?" And the little chuckle from him tells Bucky, "What the hell did you do?" Steve huddles in closer, "I uhh," he starts laughing and smiling that smile he only does when hurt, "I punctured a lung, broke my collarbone, and 4 ribs. And before you ask, I didn't jump out of anything this time."

'S _hit_ ' is all Bucky could think because yeah Steve heals faster but no matter who you are a punctured lung isn't good. "You almost died didn't you?" Bucky's hand stopped musing the blonde mop. Steve nods, "Yeah. I'm sorry buck." His chest is concaving in. He almost lost Steve, again. Almost lost his best friend, the skinny idiot who couldn't even breath right, who was in chronic pain but still started back ally fights.

He almost lost the sun.

Bucky flips them so he's laying on top of Steve. His arms are wrapped tightly around Steve's neck with his face shoved in the junction of shoulder and neck. Steve's hands come up to his back, keeping him there with adding pressure. Bucky keeps changing the tightness of his grip on Steve, squeezing hard to just laying, every couple minutes. Like he's making sure Steve's still there. They lay there for a while, until Bucky's phone goes off with a text from Barton. It's time to take the dogs out.

**  
**

••••••

**  
**

Steve's skin is creased with age, hair thin and greying.

He's folded up in a chair reading. Bucky's on the coffee table, boots firmly planted on the ground.

Not Bucky, the Asset.

The Asset?

Bucky?

He doesn't know, both are there and fighting for control. He's in Asset's clothing but talking like Bucky. He thinks he's talking, his mouth isn't opening but he's thinking _so damn hard_ to Steve. His hands aren't pressed with age like Steve's are. He doesn't think he's aged. He looks back to Steve and _thinks_ 'whats happened?' Steve laughs in the chair, "Life has happened, Buck," and maybe he's speaking out loud now but he still can't hear himself or feel his mouth move.

Steve starts talking but his words quickly start fading out even though he's right in front of him. Steve's mouth is moving but there's no sound. He sits on the table, trapped in fear with a rock in his gut, as Steve's body starts withering away and his mouth never stops moving, his eyes still bright with life even as his skin starts fading and bones become predominate.

Steve's skins gone, his simply bones with bright blue eyes and a moving jaw, he's never stopped talking.

He watches in horror as Steve's bones turn to dust, those shining blues sitting in the chair watching him. There's a shatter of glass and high pitch noise. He can hear Steve's voice coming back in, repeating the same mantra "I'm with you until the end of the line." His left arm whirls, the metal digs into the wood under him and his throat is raw like he's been screaming, he thinks he is now.

"I'm with you until the end of the line."

The eyes in the chair poof into dust.

"I'm with you until the end of the line."

He pulls back his left arm and punches the table, it crumples under him.

He's falling.

The world is blackblackblack until he hits something, the floor, with a thunk.

**  
**

••••••••

**  
**

The gasp Bucky wakes up with is so loud it wakes up Steve and causes Jarvis to turn in to make sure they're okay. Steve's next to him, never returning to his own bed after coming back from Poland, and has a hand hovering over him, "Bucky?" Steve's voice sounds like heaven and Bucky rolls over into it. His head is pressed to Steve's chest, the others heart beat in his ear.

A firm hand rest on his back, it's calming. Daenerys scoots to be on Steve's side, Lucy snores. "You're wasting your life with me, Steve," he doesn't raise his head, doesn't even open his eyes to say it. "No I'm not," Bucky rest his forehead on Steve's collarbone, "You could have a normal person, a marriage even, but instead you're watching over me." Steve plays with the hoop in Bucky's cartilage, "You even think that's what I want?" Bucky shakes his head, "You need much better, Steve, not this."

There's a hand in his hair, softly combing through it and he works hard to not lean into it, "Bucky," the vibrations of Steve's voice make Bucky's cheek feel funny, "I haven't wanted anyone else since I was about 16." Bucky goes to open his mouth but can't get his words right so he shuts it. There's a kiss on his temple, "Jane's shower is today. We have until 10, it's 8 now," Bucky smiles and lifts his head, "If you're trying to say we should have sex I'm going to have to say no, not until you brush your teeth." Steve presses his lips into a line and just _looks_ at Bucky, "So you wanna do this?"

Bucky let's out an airy laugh, "Yeah! Yeah. Yeah, let's do this." He leans forward and presses their mouths together. It's simple, dry and chapped and neither of them can stop smiling like the fools they are. Bucky's the one to pull back, "I wasn't joking about the brushing thing, come on."

**  
**

"Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?"

“Are we going to Gringotts? Because I am going to be goblin you all up.”

"Hey are you sitting on a pile of sugar cause that ass is sweet."

"Guys!"

"Are you fast food cause I want to take you out and eat you in my car."

"James!" Natasha slaps him in the back of the head. Bucky's laughing so hard there's tears running down his face, Darcy has a face of pure determination on, "I don't know much about pies, but you sure make my banana cream." And Clint's gone silent with laughter now. Bucky's 85% sure Tonys recording this so he pulls out the big guns, "Hey did you know I have a PhD? Yeah a pretty huge dick." Tony drops and Clint's going to have a six pack by the time this is over. Bucky looks over at Steve, who's helping Jane into her chair. Thor's near by, holding a big box and adds it to the pile next to her.

They gather around her for the presents. Boxes are opened and bags thrown through, Thor holds an outfit to her belly at one point and laughs, "I shall hope it will fit one of them, thank you Natasha." There's a pile of clothes and an arsenal of bottles on the table next to Jane. Bucky's leaning his head on Steve's knee and counting them, 86 bottles. Who needs 86 bottles? Steve's hand drops down to his hair, musing it out of his face and to behind his ear. Bucky doesn't stop himself from leaning into it this time while Jane opens up a card, from Tony, with a note that falls out. "Oh my god what did you build us?" Janes concerned voice goes out and Bucky's head lolls to the side as Steve starts massaging the back of his neck "A rotating crib. Think like a ferris wheel you put babies in," Bucky watches as Tony try to show Jane how this baby ferris wheel works with his head on Steve's thigh.

He can see Clint looking back from him to Natasha with a confused look, can see the curiosity spark in her eyes. He's not the only one, Steve leans his head down so his mouth is right next to Bucky's ear, "Tasha's going to question you about is," he give a sharp nod and Steve plants a quick peck on his cheek before going back to watching Jane.

**  
**

There is no safe place in this tower, Bucky concludes, and if there is it isn't the bathrooms.

It's like Natasha materialises out of the wall. "God damn it, couldn't you have finished until I'm done in here!" Natasha doesn't answer, just hopes on the counter and crosses her legs, "вы наконец с капитан колготки?", Bucky laughs at her and flushes the toilet, "да. Почему мы говорим на русском языке?"

"Мойте руки," Bucky sighs and turns on the tap, "Am I allowed to speak English?" Natasha gives him a look, "If you want to be boring," and hops off and goes through the door, "Just keep in mind there's a fee for breaking fossils."

**  
**

* * *

 

**  
**

He should have moved his arm. Sooner or later it would have come out but it wasn't even his metal arm that lead to the IDing. Damn it flowers. It's all over Good Morning America "Steve Rogers gay?" With the picture of Steve fast asleep, the same one from when he came back from Poland, with Bucky's flower tattooed arm clearly wrapped around him. It's been out for three months and they finally realised that's Bucky's tattoo.

"I'm not gay," Steve says over the phone, an interview, "I'm bisexu- nonono there's nothing wrong with being gay I'm just not g- no yeah I know it's not a choice," his face is contorted into a look of pain, "I never said there was anything wrong with it I'm just saying I'm not it," Bucky walks past him, places a kiss on his head, and heads for the kitchen.

"No I'm not saying there's anything wrong with- I am not getting defensive," the 'Captain  Rogers' voice is leaking through strong and from the kitchen Bucky laughs. Criss cross on the counter with a bowl of watermelon between his legs and a phone opened to Tumblr, Bucky's pretty content. Steve finally hangs up and wanders into the kitchen, "I need them to understand the difference," Bucky hums and traps Steve in a full body hug. His head rest on Steve's shoulder. "I love you," Steve smiles and kisses him gently, "I love you too. Did you get the text from Darcy?" Bucky nods, Jane went into labour an hour ago, "Soon there'll be baby demi gods running around. Are they married or just dating or?" Steve shrugs and kisses him again, "We have to go on Good Morning America in two days," Bucky groans and rest his head on Steve's shoulder.

**  
**

_where in ur apartment haven't u 2 had sex?_

_darc kepp the bbies off the counters_

_y???_

_you know y_

Steve plucks the phone from Bucky's hands and straightens out his suit, "Ready to go on?" Bucky smiles. He hates this. This isn't his thing. "Darcy put Jola on the counter," Steve rolls his eyes, "I cleaned it afterwards I swear!" Bucky leans up and kisses him, "If Jola, Bo, or Vladdie get sick Jane's blaming you."

The knock on the door stops Bucky from kissing him again, "30 seconds, Mr. Rogers and Barnes."

"Ready?"

"Might as well."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have a tumblr and want to follow me I'm buckybarnescriesduringsex


End file.
